Can't wait for the water to boil.

It was saturday night at the Gypsy. Bellydance showcase. I had arrived somewhat early and decided to have a beer or two. Moments later I was multiple levels of inebriated and Marcy was asking me to help remedy a problem. The problem, as I would soon and abruptly find out, was the fact that the water in the toilets of both restrooms was flowing with the same ease as blood through the aorta of a man who has treated bacon as a condiment for six decades. I was handed a $20 bill and sent off on a mystical scavenger hunt for Draino.Standing in the cashiers line at Food-Lion, holding two large bottles of Draino and still reeking of someone else's beer that was spilled on my pants leg, one of my naturally occurring hallucinations manifests itself. I looked up to see the large, reflective window at the front of the store bowing out as if it was trying unsuccessfully to run away from the building. It seemed to notice me watching as it promptly snapped back into place with all the innocense of a child who has been caught with his hand in a cookie-jar/hooker.Reality slapped me in the face via the inquisitive rent-a-cop who stands guard during the late-night money exchange. "Cold out tonight, huh?"
"Oh yeah man, I can barely feel my fingers." At which point I emphatically raised my two bottles of Draino in an awkward gesture effectively killing any hope that the cop may have had of further conversation. The conversation's death-rattle came as a subdued and puzzled "Yeah..." on the part of the cop as he turned to return to his post.
Now what was I doing here in this place? A grocery store. Late night. And I am standing with two large bottles of Draino. What was I supposed to be doing? I looked around for clues and found a long line of unhappy people looking at me expectantly. 180 degrees later and I am face to face, exchanging currency with an apathetic cashier. I recieved my change and left that damn place. It was too bright in there.
Back at the Gypsy I was forced into another encounter with an elderly homeless man who had wandered up to hang out. I had had a small run-in with him earlier:"Hey man, where ya going?"
"Just going to Food-Lion man."
"Why are ya going there?"
"To get Draino. We have a bit of a toilet situation." That statement of mine obviously had a negative effect on the group of female college freshmen behind the man but it was nothing compared to what they were about to hear.
"Well, what are ya gonna do with it man? You aren't gonna kill anybody with it are ya? Cuz I heard about this one guy who forced a hooker to drink a bottle of Draino in the back of his car and it killed her. You aren't gonna kill a hooker are ya?"
So, while returning from Food-Lion I could see the creepy bastard from a distance. And while reality was a completely different story, in my state of mind there was no way around him. I tried to stagger past without him noticing me but I was unsuccessful. He told me that I was not going to live very long and that he wants me out of his town. I was in a hurry and had no time for that so I made it known and walked inside to my watery destiny.
Once inside I began the ugly business of heavy drinking while plunging a public toilet and holding the door open with my foot so that I can watch the bellydancers. Somewhere around beer number four Lauren took the stage with her python, Eve. It was a thing of immaculate beauty. If you have never seen bellydancing, my dear reader, I strongly encourage you to do so. It is an incredible art that perfectly highlights the difference between something being sensual and something being just sexual.
By the end of the showcase I had successfully multi-tasked as I was drunk and the toilets were flowing free once more. I had also somehow been roped into another conversation with that nut-job from before. This time he offered me dry grits from a plastic bottle that was obviously not meant for grits.
"Hey man, ya want some grits?"
"No thanks dude, I don't really like grits."
He seemed somewhat shocked and offended. "Oh MAN! I love grits!" He said it with the same inflection that is normally reserved for talking about a woman. "One time just I couldn't wait for the water to heat up so I just ate them like this."