Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam.
Ok, for those of you who dont know what facebook is, it is basically just another myspace that is attached to colleges like a leech. So i was dicking around on there one day when i stumbled upon Jesus Christ. Thats right, i found Jesus on facebook. Some jackass "christian" (i use the term loosely because it literally means 'christ like' and i have only met about 3 that actually live up to this label) made a profile for Jesus and then began to assume various traits and facts about Jesus based on stereotypes and the garbled messages that he was able to decipher from his mis-firing neurons. So i decided to send Jesus a message and add him as a friend which he either never confirmed or simply denied causing me to send him yet another message. So without further adieu here are those very messages:
Hey Jesus! Why did you put "very conservative" for your views? Back in the day you seemed very liberal with the whole recognizing-women-as-people thing and the whole forgiveness-in-spite-of-the-justice-system thing. Have you changed? Or has your original message just been screwed up over time? I like to think the latter because you hung out with sinners and fought against the strictly established churches and religion of the time and now YOUR followers ridicule and shun those who hang out with sinners and YOUR followers are the strictly traditional church of the time. What do you think about that by the way? Man, a long time ago i wanted to be just like you. But then i had some questions that no one could seem to answer. For example, genetic diseases such as what is commonly referred to as "super males" (one X chromosome and two Y chromosomes as opposed to just one of each) these people are very violent and cannot help it. Most of them end up being serial killers. Why would your dad do this? Why would he make someone be born almost directly into Hell? Anyway, i still think you are a pretty cool dude but i honestly cannot bring myself to be part of what your followers have become. Stay cool and jewish. -Seth
Message ..2:
Hello once again Jesus. I was just wondering why you refused my friendship. I thought you used to be friends with sinners. I thought that was the whole beauty of your life; the fact that you accepted those who didnt even accept you. Oh well, guess i was wrong. You refused my E-friendship and now i am going to E-Hell. Had you simply ignored my request i could have at least assumed Catholicism and been sent to E-Purgatory. I honestly dont know why i sent you that last message. Perhaps i was hoping in the back of my mind that you would say something inspirational that would "save" me. I doubt that this is the case considering that i have been on both sides of this fence and i find the grass equally green. And to be honest i am perfectly content with my life at the moment. Which is more than i could say when i was one of your followers because although the questions still remain unanswered, they no longer keep me up at night. I have seen the other side of that fence. Its not the barren waste-land that you had painted for me. I still have many questions that i would like to discuss with you. Here is a topic to get us started: I can take any arbitrary object and apply the characteristics of omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence to it and i have just formed my own religion that no one can argue with because any question can be answered with "because its (insert name of object here)". I am not joking, although it may seem that way. Thats just the way you and your dad made me. As you can see i have put a lot of time, thought, and effort into this and the previous letter. Please do not ignore this. I would very much like to have an in-depth, one-on-one discussion with you. And no, i am not going to bring up stupid ineffectual concepts like "could your dad create a stone so large that he cannot lift it?" i know and you know that points such as that are simply conceptual mishaps that signify nothing. Please respond. -Seth
Hey Jesus! Why did you put "very conservative" for your views? Back in the day you seemed very liberal with the whole recognizing-women-as-people thing and the whole forgiveness-in-spite-of-the-justice-system thing. Have you changed? Or has your original message just been screwed up over time? I like to think the latter because you hung out with sinners and fought against the strictly established churches and religion of the time and now YOUR followers ridicule and shun those who hang out with sinners and YOUR followers are the strictly traditional church of the time. What do you think about that by the way? Man, a long time ago i wanted to be just like you. But then i had some questions that no one could seem to answer. For example, genetic diseases such as what is commonly referred to as "super males" (one X chromosome and two Y chromosomes as opposed to just one of each) these people are very violent and cannot help it. Most of them end up being serial killers. Why would your dad do this? Why would he make someone be born almost directly into Hell? Anyway, i still think you are a pretty cool dude but i honestly cannot bring myself to be part of what your followers have become. Stay cool and jewish. -Seth
Message ..2:
Hello once again Jesus. I was just wondering why you refused my friendship. I thought you used to be friends with sinners. I thought that was the whole beauty of your life; the fact that you accepted those who didnt even accept you. Oh well, guess i was wrong. You refused my E-friendship and now i am going to E-Hell. Had you simply ignored my request i could have at least assumed Catholicism and been sent to E-Purgatory. I honestly dont know why i sent you that last message. Perhaps i was hoping in the back of my mind that you would say something inspirational that would "save" me. I doubt that this is the case considering that i have been on both sides of this fence and i find the grass equally green. And to be honest i am perfectly content with my life at the moment. Which is more than i could say when i was one of your followers because although the questions still remain unanswered, they no longer keep me up at night. I have seen the other side of that fence. Its not the barren waste-land that you had painted for me. I still have many questions that i would like to discuss with you. Here is a topic to get us started: I can take any arbitrary object and apply the characteristics of omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence to it and i have just formed my own religion that no one can argue with because any question can be answered with "because its (insert name of object here)". I am not joking, although it may seem that way. Thats just the way you and your dad made me. As you can see i have put a lot of time, thought, and effort into this and the previous letter. Please do not ignore this. I would very much like to have an in-depth, one-on-one discussion with you. And no, i am not going to bring up stupid ineffectual concepts like "could your dad create a stone so large that he cannot lift it?" i know and you know that points such as that are simply conceptual mishaps that signify nothing. Please respond. -Seth
posted by Seth Parham at 12:32 PM
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